Hey..

Hi blog,

The dissatisfaction I have about myself is limitless; tangible - appearance etc.., intangible - character, substance etc..

I am aware that I'm nowhere near good, and that I am nobody to deserve any attention from the other people. I don't want attention, all I need is just the acknowledgment of my existence. I feel like a cellophane most of the time; people see right through me.

Let me share with you a scenario that I'm always in to give you a better idea of what I'm saying.

Girl A and I are walking down the street. Stranger man walks by and looks in our direction.

A group of acquainted guys comment: "Hey girl A, he was looking at you eh!" *start teasing her about her beauty*

I'll auto-fade into the background (to avoid awkwardness and I'm naturally ignored anyway) by acting busy on the phone.

This is how I feel alone at a crowded place. I'm not the guys who tease and not the girl who smiles/rejects compliments humbly/shyly. I'm the air.

To clarify, I am not one bit jealous. In such situations, what I'm hoping for is that Harry Potter would lend me his invisible cloak. So that I can excuse myself from all these awkwardness.

I don't expect anybody to realise that by complimenting a girl's beauty right in the face of the other girl, it is as good as telling her that she is not beautiful. Or do they not care about how I feel at all?

These incidents happen again and again. And that makes me think that if:

1. I am really so ugly/irksome that they don't even bother to register my existence
2. Guys can only be bothered with pretty girls?

I care a lot about what people think of me. But the more I care, the more I act like I don't care.

When I try to be something more desirable, I realised that my motive was rarely to please myself (even if it is, the pleasure is also derived from the compliments received). Most of the time I'm doing it to please people, hoping that they'll like me better.

I can be 60+kg and happy. I don't see anything wrong with that if our world stops judging. But when my weight implicates the others (like if I faint somewhere and have to be moved away), it becomes a stimulus that makes me feel ashamed of being 60+kg.

I hate it when I get complimented because of something that has got nothing to do with me. Like being called a "meinu" because I'm with one, and calling me that makes it easier for communication purpose.

Please spare a thought for me.